Why Did I Go Natural?

I was born with a tightly curly afro.  No, I did not have the silky, straight, satin, black hair that you could slick down with water.  When it came to my hair, the most common comment was "Girl, you got a lot of hair on your head!"  My mother was against relaxing my hair because she thought my hair would fall out as hers did in her younger days.  Having so much hair, I remember wash days as long and drama filled.  I remember my mother using Johnson & Johnson "No more tangles" as if it would really have the power to tame the beast that was my head of hair.  I can still smell the stench of burnt hair from the pressing comb on the stove and still feel the heat on the nape of my neck...you know the "kitchen"... as my mother would try to get close enough to straighten the most tightly coiled little hairs.  I recall hopping out of the chair and storming out in protest after the grease sizzled a little too close to my scalp.  I practically begged to get a relaxer so I could be out of my misery and have long silky hair that didn't draw up when it got wet.

In the 5th grade, I had finally convinced my mother that I should get a relaxer.  I proved my case fairly well by saying how I would be able to do my own hair and I promised to take care of it by rolling it up at night and not using the curling iron daily.  My mother took me to an older lady she'd known for a long time.  The stylist was a little old school, but I didn't care.  I just wanted to be free from the hot comb.  My first relaxing experience was okay...no burning or discomfort.  I wasn't too thrilled with the styling process though.  The stylist roller set my hair...keep in mind that this is BEFORE roller setting was popular...and went through each part with grease she would grab from a big dollop on the back of her hand. Everyone else was getting finger waves or scrunches and such and I was wearing big, tightly curled, greased down hair and that was so uncool!  But I had to go to this stylist because it was someone my mother trusted not to "take out" my hair.  I made do by immediately pulling my hair back in a ponytail to flatten my poofy hair.  

Years went on and I was able to venture out to other stylists...only after they checked out with my mom of course.  I experienced my share of relaxer burns and I was plagued with something I never had before...dandruff!  I remember my mother scratching it up with a fine tooth comb and being covered in tiny white flakes.  I was able to...well I kinda snuck and got my first cut in middle school.  My mother and my sister hated it, but I was too proud to fluff and stack my asymmetric, ear to ear bangs. I let them grow out, which took forever, and by the 8th grade I had it cut into a cute little bob.  My high school years I didn't bother with anymore cutting.  I do remember I got one of the worst relaxer burns going into the 11th grade.  I let my mother "grease" my scalp the night before my "touch up."  She had a habit of "accidently" scratching my scalp when I specifically told her not to. I foolishly didn't let the stylist know I was burning so intensely and just let the spray of oil sheen give me quick relief.  I feared my hair would not get straight and I couldn't dare go to school on the first day with puffy roots.  Well I wrapped my hair that night and woke up to most of my hair STUCK to my scalp! I had to rewash my hair, but I still had several scabbed spots in my head for a while.  Unfortunately, I had more and more chemical burns and I just thought I had an extremely sensitive scalp.

I got my first highlights in college.  Big mistake!  My hair broke off severely over time and I lost a lot of length.  It was okay though because I cut it into the shortest bob I had ever had.  It wasn't shaved in the back, but it was close.  I felt so much freedom being able to just do what I wanted with my hair, even though my mother despised the thought of cutting hair.  She thought I should just let it grow because in her words "We lose our hair."  She was referring to the women in our family going bald and eventually wearing wigs.  But that couldn't possible happen to me.  Besides, my hair was so thick, I could stand to lose a bit anyway....or so I thought.  I was almost done with pharmacy school when I decided to color my hair again.  This time would be better in my mind because I knew what I had to do in order to maintain the health of my hair.  I was wrong and it was so much worse.  My hair went through one of the worst phases ever!  My scalp had thick scales that didn't go away no matter what shampoo I used or what oil I applied to my hair.  My hair had broken off badly in several sections.  I tried to hide what my hair was going through with weaves and braids.  I met a lady at work who was natural and wore and afro puff or twists mostly.  I was intrigued and we had several conversations about "going natural."  I only entertained that idea for a moment.  My hair had come back from the dead and was thriving again.

In my mid twenties, I had my first child.  I experienced the hair growth and thickening of pregnancy as well as post-partum shedding.  I had never even heard of this until an acquaintance  advised me to keep taking my prenatal vitamins because my hair would "go through some changes" after giving birth.  When my son was about 4 months, I noticed a lot more hair in my comb when I took down my wrap. My stylist insisted that I go through a series of deep conditioning because I was shedding so much.  Then I noticed my edges were completely gone except for tiny littles hairs that were trying to grow back.  I noticed when I  had a fresh relaxer, my crown area seemed a little less dense.  I couldn't possibly be going bald!  Well it turns out that during pregnancy our hair is stuck in it's resting phase and does not shed like it normally does.  Sometime after delivery, women will start this process and there is nothing that can be done to stop it, but wearing low manipulation styles can prevent further damage and hair loss.  After this near catastrophe, I became pretty complacent with my hair.  It was long and fairly healthy, but indeed probably a bit boring.  My stylist insisted she cut in some layers.  I agreed, but the cut was not doing it for me.  I still had quite a bit of length so I went to another stylist and had her give me a shoulder length layered bob.  It was my favorite cut to date!

I moved to Texas shortly after my cut and I had the hardest time trying to find a stylist. I was so over "hard hair," but it seemed to be popular in my new area.  I tried a few stylists, but no one I committed my service to, so I began doing my own hair.  I had mastered the roller set and flat iron so all I need to do was self relax...easy enough right?  This was the beginning of my YouTube obsession.   I learned about going on a "healthy hair journey" and discovered so many women of color trying to grow bra strap length (BSL) and waist length (WL) hair.  I stumbled upon the idea of "relaxer stretching."  Basically forfeit the idea of relaxing every 6 to 8 weeks and try to stretch the time in between relaxing as long a possible.  I began to do this and discovered that I could go up to 12 to 14 weeks and blend my  natural texture with my relaxed hair with my flat iron.  Then one day, one of my YouTube sessions led me to what was being called a "natural hair journey."  People were "transitioning" by not relaxing for a period of time until they finally did a big chop (BC).  I was again intrigued by this idea.  I noticed I was seeing many more women of color wearing their natural hair and I liked it...on them.  Since I was basically going through these relaxer stretches anyway, I figured I could just stop relaxing and keep blending the two textures with my flat iron.

"I'm going natural."  That's what I told myself.  I would get to about 12 to 14 weeks post relaxer and give up that mantra as soon I had to detangle, blow dry and flat iron my hair after making it that far.  It was an "all day" process.  Then as soon as I would give in to the "creamy crack," I would feel remorse.  "I should have kept going." "It wasn't that bad." "I'm going to do it for real next time."  I went through this cycle about 3 or 4 times.  I didn't truly have a plan as to what I was going to do once I was fully natural.  I didn't even know how long something like this could take.  My hair was in the middle of my back and I thought maybe if I just trim off a little at a time, the relaxed ends would eventually go away. Then reality set in and I knew if I was going to go natural, a drastic cut would have to take place because the two textures of hair would not cooperate.  But I had NEVER worn a short cut or anything close to it.  "What if it doesn't fit my face?"  I also remember talking myself out of it by saying, "If I had a BETTER grade of hair, this would be for me."  But my curiosity loomed as I touched my new growth.  I felt twists and turns in my hair and said to myself,  "Could my hair be BETTER than I thought?"  I remember it being thick and unruly, but does it have the potential to be BEAUTIFUL in its natural state?  

After yet again becoming bored with my hair, I colored it one last time.  I should have known from previous disasters that it would not have a happy ending.  I had talked myself out of yet another transitioning period and I was immediately remorseful.  I decided to get highlights to curb my appetite for doing a drastic big chop.  I should have just big chopped.  The color was horrible.  I made a vow that if I made it to 6 months of transitioning I would do a BC.  I immersed myself into YouTube.  I know I watched every video about doing a self BC.  "Could I really go through with this?" I pressed forward and the day had finally come.  I happened to be leaving a stressful job so it seemed fitting that I "cut off" this bad experience and negativity and have a start fresh.  I was also pregnant at the time so it could have also been a hormonal experience...I know that's what my poor hubby was thinking at the time...lol!  I gathered my supplies and saturated my hair with conditioner to see my natural hair curl up above my relaxed ends.  With Marvin Sapp's "Comfort Zone" playing in the background, I made the first cut! "No turning back now!" So I kept cutting and cutting until all of my relaxed hair was gone. This was the first time I had EVER had hair this short besides birth.  I rinsed my hair in the shower and I remember not feeling my hair on my back.  It was surreal.  I played in my curls with different products I had collected.  It was fun!  BUT, I wasn't going OUT with my hair like this!  I still had spots of the bad color in my hair that just didn't blend well.  Good thing I had scheduled to get kinky twists the next day anyway...lol!  Now this process I knew nothing about.  I just figured my hair was short, but enough to grab and do twists so I slathered some moisturizer in and went to bed.  What I woke up to was a HOT MESS! My hair was hard, stiff and dry.  I could not get a comb through it.  I didn't have time for this because my appointment was in the next 30 minutes.  I slathered some more moisturizer in, threw on a hat and headed out the door!  The one question that kept running through my mind was "Why did I go natural?"

I know the African ladies were talking about me.  The lady tried to blow dry my hair to allow for easier twisting, but she was unsuccessful.  The twisting session was painful!  I was literally there all day!  As for my natural hair, it was tucked away for a while...out of sight, out of mind.  As a matter of fact, when I took the kinky twists out, I immediately got micro braids.  I just was not ready to "deal" with my natural hair.  I did blow dry my hair before the braids this time and had a much better outcome.  After I took those down, I was curious about the length of my hair so I flat ironed it.  It was misshapen, so I knew I couldn't wear it "out," so I got cornrows the very next day.  I felt awkward.  I wasn't sure what to do next, but I knew I could not keep wearing braided styles and end up with no edges.  I saw all of these twist outs and braid outs, but I felt I had an inferior length to achieve these styles.  I eventually dove in to twisting my hair, but I was not feeling it.  Panic mode set in and I went wig crazy!  I thought this was my only way to cover up what I had obviously messed up!  But this did not suit me either.  I had to master styling my own natural hair and I had to conquer of fear of a different look.

I began with two strand twists, then I took a stab at incorporating flat twists.  It became my signature.  Every month I was still clipping away at this horrid color, but my length was coming slowly, but surely.  I bought lots of hats and began rocking them as well.  Shrinkage is very deceiving and I hadn't realized just how long my hair had gotten.  I mustered up the courage to rock my twist out fro.  Before long, I noticed I was getting compliments on my hair.  Random people would ask me who did my hair and I would have conversations about hair products and regimens.  It was refreshing! I also noticed the amount of women I came in contact with who had started wearing their natural hair.  From parents and staff at my sons' daycare to coworkers, family members and friends on Facebook.  Natural hair was like a trending topic on Twitter and beyond.  It has been 2 years and 4 months and I am still enjoying the discovery of what my hair can do.  And I was able to answer the nagging question I had about going natural.  I thought maybe I had made a mistake by cutting off all my hair and going natural.  I thought that I would just continue to wear my hair straightened.  I thought I was going to hate this process and go back to being relaxed.  What I did was to accept me and my hair the way I was born. With a tightly curly afro is the way I came into this world and it's the way I'm going out. And yes...I still have a whole lot of hair on my head and I'm proud of it;-)